You Can Always Take a Cab

“And I told him, I said: "One day you're going to miss the subway because it's not going to come. One of these days, it's going to break down and it's not going to come around and everyone else will just wait for the next one or will take the bus, or walk, or run to the next station: they will go on with their lives. And you're not going to be able to go on with your life! You'll be standing there, in the subway station, staring at the tube. Why? Because you think that everything has to happen perfectly and on time and when you think it's going to happen! Well guess what! That's not how things happen! And you'll be the only one who's not going to be able to go on with life, just because your subway broke down. So you know what, you've got to let go, you've got to know that things don't happen the way you think they're going to happen, but that's okay, because there's always the bus, there's always the next station...you can always take a cab.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

If I could pick a theme for my life over the past year, this is it: change. I know someone is going to say, "But Kim, things change all the time." And you would be entirely correct they do. However, most people don't encounter so many life changes in such a short period of time. One or two, maybe. An entire year of them? Not very common.

The quote above is fantastic... because it describes my current situation in a way that is perfection. There has been a situation in my life which has caused me to feel this exact way -- I feel like I could shout this into a room and let everything come off my shoulders and allow someone to understand exactly what they're doing. I know this will never happen though, my entire life has been a series of events, like a chain reaction, in which  I can accurately show people really do expect everything to go just so and are oblivious to the fact it doesn't.

So... to help me scream my quote, here we go -- Here is my letter which I will never send, which they will never read. If you decide to read it, I want you to stop and think about the relationships that you are in, how you react to situations, how you truly love.

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Dear __________:

I want to start out by telling you I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul; I have loved you forever and I will love you always. I know you look around you and think no one cares or that no one loves you like you deserve; but know I do. I love you with unconditional love that sometimes puts my own self at odds with it. I love you irrationally, because you are by far the most important person in my life.

But, the truth is... it's not about if I love you. In fact, I am positive it is about if you love me. I wonder so often if you are proud of me, if you care about the life I live, if you look at me and see I live my life by a code of honor and love every single person I can. Are you proud of me? Because if you are, I don't see it. I don't see the love and I don't see the pride.

Truth is, I deserve you to be proud of me. Gloriously proud, in fact. As I look back on the trail of life I can see you make little appearances throughout. Some of them good, some of them bad, but appearances that have shaped me regardless into the woman I am today. 

Don't you see what your actions are doing to our relationship? It has become unbearably unhealthy for us to even be within talking distance. But you don't see, you only see what you want to see. You see my son's dirty face, not the fact that I am teaching him to love nature and the world with open arms. You see me be stern with him and think I am too harsh, not the fact that I refuse to let my son behave in a way which means he will learn to love himself more than anything else. You look at my house and roll your eyes, not seeing the fact it is filled with love, life, and laughter that no other place holds a candle to (at least not in my life.) You change the subject when I tell you I want to do something, big or small: my dreams are uneventful to you.

It breaks my heart, not for me... but for you. Because every comment, every snide remark, every time I hear about you whispering to someone else -- you push me away. You don't just push me away, you push away the happy life you could have with me. You chase away another one of my dreams without even realizing it. You kill my happy.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect, I never will be. But I am the perfect me. I have my flaws, I have my uniqueness, I've made my share of mistakes, and none of things will ever change. I'm not blaming you so much as blaming your actions. I don't see a glow of pride in your eyes, the warmth of love in your words, and most of all -- I don't see the happiness radiating from your soul.

It seems shocking, but here is the truth: I think you hate me. I think you look at me and see something in your past you wish you would have changed. I think you look at me and you see so much of your past, your mistakes, your own flaws that you hate me for those same things. I don't think you know how to let go.

You have to let go. You have to let go of all the things that out of your control, let go of the idea of perfection and embrace the idea of life. Stop being so upset about nothing. Don't sweat the small stuff, and honestly, everything really is small stuff. If you can't let go, you'll be sure to self-destruct all you should be proud of.

And you should be proud of yourself. I'm sure you think you need this or that, you should be here or there -- but you should be proud of what you have accomplished just as much as you should be proud of me. Even more so! Why? Because I am a product of all of your life choices come into fold, I am a product of you. A glorious rendition of the song of your life -- you should be proud, so so proud.

I love you, but I'm going to have to walk away. I love and respect you, but I love and respect myself just as much. I'm done allowing myself to tense when I know what your reaction will be, I'm done putting myself through hell because you cannot see past the ideal of perfection, I'm done letting myself hurt because you are hurting. But I do love you unconditionally -- and I will always be here when times get tough, at least once our relationship is healthy again. 

It's because I love you that I let go, because that relationship could destroy us both, and I won't let the pattern live on. It will stop with me, no matter what I have to do.

Loving you always,

K

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As we inch closer to the end of the year, I realize that with the change has come a fantastic growth which has made every single moment worth it. I'm not afraid of what will come, but I do hope that next year will take a little sympathy on me, but somehow I doubt it.

I suppose that's another blog for another day.... 

Think Before You Act

"It is easier to avoid the effects of others' negativity when we question if an action or attitude is appropriately directed at us. If it isn't, we can choose to sidestep it and let it pass." Sue Patton Theole, The Woman's Book of Courage

 I love... I live... I respect. Or at least, I try to. If found that lately I've been trying to use the T.H.I.N.K. to try to get my head on straight, to try to be more focused on the reality of everything that goes on around me. I know, just thinking about what your saying can't possibly change your entire outlook that much, can it? I've really found that applying this idea not only to myself but to my household has changed everything.

In my whole quest to find the right path lately, you know... the whole removing the negativity, trying to clear out my 'closet' so to speak, finding peace in the past and thus confidence in the future. I have found that this little tidbit has been the most important I have found. Mostly because before I say thing, especially on the internet, I ask myself the T.H.I.N.K. questions. 

I've found most often than not... I stop myself from saying anything at all. I'm not really for not putting things out there exactly the way you mean them, but I am big on making sure you aren't hurting people with your words. Because, yes... despite what you say, words hurt... sometimes badly. Even more so when words are used in conjunction with the action that solidifies the statement.

I want to be true, kind, and necessary. I only say as much as needs to be said, I keep it honest and forthcoming, and I make sure it doesn't leave someone feeling like a pile of sludge under my feet. In truth, I used to be horrible at this -- I'm the queen of hits below the belt. The problem is, I know people... I get to learn them inside and out, it's just part of my nature (I blame it on being an aquarius, we get people.) Too often, in the past, I had gotten upset and tore someone down piece by piece until there was nothing. I don't want to do that anymore.

I want to leave something behind... if I leave anything I hope it is this: respect is key in all areas of your life. I hope that through my own actions, my sons will learn this -- I hope they learn to love without expectation, to speak to help others, and to think with positivity so that they will not be dragged down. 

Now the question: why the T.H.I.N.K. post, Kim? Why the stupid details about stuff that means nothing? Because I hope through the actions of others, as they are too focused on their own negativity, that I can shine some light on the need to care about people. Care about what your actions do, care about what your words mean, and most of all... care about people. Period. 

Tomorrow is another day; I choose to side-step and let it pass. 

Carpe Diem

"Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." ~ Audrey Hepburn

It seems like a very strange subject matter -- and one that is very over played, I must say. But recently I have gotten back in touch with an old friend, someone I probably should have never lost touch with in the first place, and it has had me reflecting on the past; and what that past means for my future.
I won't say that I hold any regrets -- regrets imply that you didn't learn anything from the mistakes you've made; I've honestly learned a lot. But I do wish that I would have kept some of the more positive people in my life. In truth, I was in a bad place for a period of time... I cut everyone out. Those people who loved me the most included, especially the ones that were a positive influence, I didn't want them to see the bad things I was doing. I think, though, had I not cut those positive people (and I have about a 10-20 people list I can go from), I might have not struggled quite as badly.
It's funny, because I went to lunch with my grandmother today -- and she said something to me that reminded me of this: "The moment you told me what you were going to do and why, I never doubted you. I had wished you had an easier path, but I knew the second you spoke from your heart, you were okay with the harder one." I don't wish for an easier path, I am happy to live my life, and I'm even happier that I've survived the trials and tribulations that I have. But, I wish I would have had the right influences in my life... the people who could have honestly picked me up while I was at my very lowest, maybe --- just maybe -- I hadn't gotten so low.
But, as from previous posts, my life lately has been about cleaning out the baggage. Man, have I found a lot of baggage. I mean, honestly? There has been so much negativity and honest to goodness bad things I've kept around just because I didn't want to feel like I didn't have friends, I didn't want to feel like I was alone when times got hard. It wasn't until it was blunt in my face that I figured out -- if that was the way things were going to be, I was better off without.
This is what it comes down to -- you cut out the things you honestly know are bad for you: that friend that when you tell them you got a job offer mentions that it probably has horrible benefits; that person you go to for comfort that ends up telling you your husband is an arse, when truly you love them and they know it; that person that makes a point of sucking the happiness out of every conversation. 
Lately, I've had some good quality conversations with people who actually give a damn about people. Yes... I said it... they care about people! Not caring about what people can do for them, but rather that they care about people.
What does this have to do with Carpe Diem? Good question. Seize the day. How does that relate to what I'm talking about? The reason I bring up the people from the past is this -- when the chance came to reform those bonds I could clearly see I messed up in the past -- I took it. I took the chance to feel honest friendship again. Perhaps I'm a little bruised and damaged from the previous experiences. But, it's there. I'm going to start setting myself up for being lifted up, rather than dragged down. I'm not worried about tomorrow -- will this person be in my life forever? Will our kids grow up to be best friends? (Honestly, I fully expect my son to beat up everyone's kids... so no... I don't. He's big... he's gonna throw his weight around, I have a bat, everything will be fine. :D Oh gosh... I'm going to get reported for that. I can feel it in my toes.) But what I care about right now is that I am living today to the most I can... because today is what matters, tomorrow is not a guaranty. 
Tomorrow I go on vacation -- I'm glad I am. Because I'm going to spend a little time reflecting (while in the company of fantastic friends, by the way) and really critically think on this. I think all the negativity needs to go... and that may mean some life changes that go beyond hitting the gym.

Inspiration

"The difference between Try and Triumph is a little Umph." ~ Marvin Phillips

Lately I have been getting a lot of "you're an inspiration" speeches from people who have noticed that I am taking on my weight with a vengeance. It inspired me to decided to throw a little bit of this into my blog. So today... it's simply talking about why I'm doing what I'm doing and why my goals are what they are. Tomorrow... I will put up my first "pre-weight loss" photo for me to cringe about. I'm at the gym burning it... no reason I shouldn't face it face to face.

First of all -- I'm not losing weight to be skinny. I don't give a rats arse about being skinny. You can take your tall lanky model body type and toss it out the window... I could not care less about being skinny. Phew, now that we got that covered -- let's talk about why I am doing this.


1. I am currently at a BMI of 37.3 -- > Yeah.... damn.
2. I want to live a long life.
3. I want to walk into any store I deem fit and simply take what I want off the shelves without worrying about if they have my size or style in my size or if the people will laugh at me... or try to put me in a dress with my absolutely horrible legs.
4. I don't want more health problems. 


Those are four very good reasons to get off the couch and onto a treadmill (eventually the road... give me time, dammit!). I am currently at 238 lbs.. yes... I do weigh that much... no I'm not imagining it, and dammit... I don't care if I don't look it. Look at the number... the number DOES mean something when you are 26 years old, 5' 8", and are over 90 lbs above your healthy weight. Mind you... I said healthy weight. I don't care about what size my pants are... my risk for diabetes and a heart attack are major. My healthy weight (discussed with my doctor previously) is 155-165lbs. Ouch... that's a lot of weight.


So I'm setting goals... here they are:


<3 I will to be down 45 lbs by the end of September
<3 I will be down to my healthy weight range by my birthday (Feb 2nd)
<3 I will run at least a 5k next summer
<3 I will not be afraid to put on a swimsuit
<3 I will not beat myself up in the process
<3 I will make healthy choices without giving up life
<3 I will make myself proud
<3 I will set a good example for my children
<3 I will not be afraid anymore


There you have it. I have lost a little weight since I started... I am using MyFitnessPal to keep an eye on my calories and making sure I am getting all my nutrients in. Sometimes it yells at me because I didn't eat what it says was enough calories, but I figure if I'm full and I'm not losing out on something, I'm probably fine. I am making healthy choices at work and at home. I am drinking little to no soda and am drinking almost always only water/tea. I am going to the gym 2-3 days of the week and being active 4-5 days. 


I am trying to following this workout program, so far it really work for me and I like it. I'm following a diet that a friend of mine gave me that he and his wife had a good amount of success with. So far, it hasn't been bad... I've just been letting stress and excuses get to me. That's something I have to change right away. 


My own personal success this week: Monday I wanted to just go home and lay down, I was stressed, frustrated, the day had gotten to me and I wanted to give up. Instead... I went to the gym. I was on the treadmill warming up, started feeling better and then got the idea in my head: "If I leave here looking pretty, I didn't push hard enough." I pushed hard. By the time I was done on the elliptical and moving to the stationary bike, I was disgusting. But... it was good, I sweat out all the anger and frustration in me. It made me firmly believe that they aren't lying when they say to just go work out. It does actually make you feel better.


I'm heading to the gym tonight with my husband and brother-in-law... it will be a good night. I'm not exactly up to par... but it's not going to matter, it's time to push through and get through this. I will not continue to make excuses and I will not allow my fear hold me back anymore.

The Pursuit of Happiness

"It was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing that Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the 'pursuit' in there, like no one can actually have happiness. We can only pursue it." ~ Christopher Gardner (The Pursuit of Happyness 2006)

I find it a bit alarming how unhappy the general population of people are these days. They are unhappy with themselves, with their life, with their children, with their jobs, with their cars. Everything has to be bigger, better stronger, but nothing is ever good enough. Or at least, not for any length of time. Why is it that we have become so overly anxious with never simply being happy in the now?


I know people who are people who should be proud of themselves, they have face adversity (or do everyday), they have accomplished numerous things, but when you talk to them, they are just angry. Why are you angry? What on this whole wide world could possible have you so update and so spiteful? I understand that you may not be in the place you had thought of when you were 15, but who is? I hardly imagined I'd be a mother (or step-mother) to three boys and a black lab. Why are you so angry? You have food in your stomach, a good life, and you're surrounded by people who love you. Take solace in the fact that you are loved and you love others, that is, in fact, enough. 


Depression falls in the same line with this -- why are you so damn sad? Is there absolutely nothing in this life that makes you feel as if it is going right? I see so much potential for happiness, but you only see the dark grey that the world has to offer. Just like above, you have food in your stomach, you have a roof over your head, and you have your health. So you don't have your dream job? Okay.... so? Least you have a job. You don't have the car you want. Um... so? You're still able to get where you need to go. Just because things aren't bright and shiny doesn't mean you have to be Eeyore about it! "Oh bother.... my tail fell off again." Come on! The sun is warm, the grass is green, and dammit you're alive to enjoy it!


Now... it is fine to feel unhappy or unfulfilled in life, to feel sad because something sad happened! I'm not saying that it's not okay to feel these things, feelings are feelings and NO ONE has permission to take your feelings from you. What I'm saying is that if you feel these things 24/7/365.... there's something wrong. I don't know if it's your attitude, I don't know if you're life is really that crazy.... but something is off keel. 


My life is complicated. I am a mother (or step-mother) of three boys, ages 5, 3, 2... I have a husband, my aunt lives with us, and I work full time. My life is full of ups, downs, upside-downs, inside outs, dirty clothes, dirty mouths, and .... dirty underwear. I have a high-stress job in a high-stress environment. Did I fail to mention I have a high-stress personality? But let me tell you something... I am not unhappy nor sad. Why? Because of all the same things I already listed, don't you get it?! Because I am a mother of 3 boys with a husband and an aunt who lives in the home. I am happy because I'm surrounded by love and life. I am surrounded by life. Who could possibly unhappy or sad? Granted.. times get rough and a point comes where you're exhausted and want to scream! (...3 boys... under 10... you'd scream too.) But if anyone were to take that away from me, I would fight tooth and nail for it... because I love my life.


What about you? Would you fight tooth and nail for those things that you're angry/sad about? Really, for just a second stop and look at your life. Was it where you wanted to be? Hell no! We all wanted to be rock stars rubbing elbows with Brad & Angelina! Do you see the difference? I am not even the same person I was when I was 15! Let's see.... Fifteen years old... I was so self-involved with my parents divorce and my mom's issues that I wasn't concentrating on school or anything else. I wanted to be a Vet... granted, I still love animals... but I could seriously not deal with someone's dog trying to bite me. Point is... life is life. You don't have to love it... but for all that's good and happy.. don't hate it. You're alive... you have all the opportunities in the world to change the boat you're in if you don't like it. Jump off and swim! Chase whatever makes you happy... if you don't... you have no one to blame for that choice than yourself.

The Calm During the Storm

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares." ~ Henri Nouwen

It has been no secret to say that my life as a St John has not thus far been an easy one. Over the past 7 months, I have stood beside my husband and faced adversity in a way that most people never get a chance to do. The first few years are the hardest but it is my strong belief that given the year we have had, the rest will be cake. Amongst that, however, have been blessings that few people can ever truly appreciate. 


The first, and probably most important, is true friendship. I'm not talking about he fair-weather friends that call you when everything is hunky dory, or rather when they need something from you. In the past months, we've lost fair-weather friends and we've gained life-long ones. It's amazing how you can simply click, finding a sync that goes beyond just the average day to day. I think that these friendships and relationships that have been fostered will prove to be the most valuable and rewarding ones going forward. With people like these beside us, we will be able to weather the storms no matter the strength.


I've also learned that truth and honesty get you much further than sugarcoating and fear. When you go through what we have been, you are bound to step on toes. It's almost as if the system we've been a part of is designed for you to alienate someone despite your desire not to. In that, it has become absolutely clear to me when you stop letting your emotions get the best of you -- you stop hurting other people's feelings. And those who do get upset, well... they would have gotten upset either way. Telling someone the fact verse the sugar-coated truth leaves much more room for movement forward, rather then getting caught up in the past or present. You have to move forward... it's the whole point.


It has become the most rewarding part of my journey thus far to know that I have been here for my husband and my family. I've decided there will likely never be another moment that will define myself as a woman, mother, wife, daughter, grand-daughter than the moment I decided to stand beside him instead of on the back burner. I have never felt more confident in anything else I have done, I know that in my actions I have done good, despite what others might think. It has been rewarding to know that my husband turns to me when he needs support; and in return I have learned to turn more to him when I am in need as well. It is a feeling I cannot explain, those who have never had that will not understand what it is really like to be a partner. A real partner... not just the type ready to leave when the waters get cloudy.


And finally, most importantly, I have learned to trust my instincts. If the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when you're getting ready to go into that alley, just walk away. When it feels wrong, it's likely wrong... but, on the flip side; if it feels right, it probably is. I am a mother and a step-mother, and I've grown to understand there isn't a single different. If my son needs my hug and support, I'm going to give it. If my step-sons need my hugs and support, they're going to get it. I will be whatever they need to be, because instinct dictates to me that it is right. It's right that I be their friend, that I remind them how much their father loves them, that I remind them how much they are loved by not only their father but by me as well. If it feels right... I will give it all my heart. If it feels wrong, I will fight for them. I will fight for all of my family to my dying breath, because wrong is wrong. If they're being pushed, if they're being beaten... I will stand there for them and not only teach them how to pick themselves up (with a helping hand, of course) but also how to stand for themselves. I will do what is right and what my instincts tell me, because I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a grand daughter, a woman.


I have grown... and I am so thankful.

Will, Strength, Courage and Grace.

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I have been going through so many changes lately, it is hard to stop and think about just what has lead me to be so driven to do them. Granted, I could say things like it will be good for my family, for my son, for blah blah blah blah...


In all honesty, it's because it's good for me. For once in my life, I am making efforts to do things for myself and for no other reason. I haven't been happy -- and I don't mean with life in general. In general, I love my life, but their are aspects of it that bring me down. Parts of it that I wish were different somehow.


I know I have the will, the strength, the courage to accomplish everything I have set myself up towards. I know there will be times that I will stumble on the cracks in the way. I just truly hope that those I love and have supported through hard times in the past will be there to do the same for me now.


Most of all... I hope I have the grace to be able to accept the ups and downs that will come over the next few years. In the short term, there will be times where I will not feel like I lost the weight I need to, or that I slacked in areas that I shouldn't have. I hope I have that grace to forgive myself for the stumbling here and there. In the long term, I hope I will see that it was through my own will that I will gave the Grace to love and appreciate myself in a new way. 


It's time... before the kids get older... before I want to be to every football game, every spelling bee, every school play... before I want to sit beside them as they work on their algebra homework, to do all of the things I feel like I was somehow left out from. Now is the time... so that then I can be the Mother and Wife I have always been meant to be. 

Change

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."~ Anatole France

It seems like this is a recent topic in my life, like somewhere in the lapse of time there has been a switch clicked that tells me I must move forward, not looking behind. In some (rare) cases, it's not too troublesome, but I find in others it becomes harder, as if tearing that safety net away makes it hard to even breath. This isn't like the t-shirt... no... this one is entirely different, this one is like removing a tattoo.

It comes from knowing that in order to move somewhere in life you have to surround yourself with positivity that in other circumstances might be impossible to find. It's difficult, extremely to say the least, to find a place where you can both be yourself and who you will be. Too often it seems as if those things or people stay the same, they keep dragging you down, instead of lifting you up.

But... there are changes I want to make, big changes, life changes -- huge events that are the centerfold to where my life will be in 10, 20, 30 years from now. If you opened your life open like a brochure to show your future self, what would be listed? Would their be a list of pros and cons for the choices you made? Would it have averages of how many times you fell down, picked yourself up against how many times you were able to gracefully move through the motions? 

This is me choosing grace, because grace is all I know. I don't know how to do anything but move forward -- my therapist called it "steam rolling" through issues, I can't say that she's incorrect. But, hasn't this worked before? Sure, it absolutely has. But, isn't it time to change? I guess it is also time to pick my battles -- this is one I choose not to fight. Because if I'm the only one fighting for the common goal, what is the point? There is no war to win, there simply is. I don't want it... but then again... change is absolute.

So instead, I'll work on the fights that get me somewhere. The fight with my self esteem, the fight with my weight (and ultimately my health), and the fight to improve my life.

I suppose this is where the idea came into my head... I'm going back to school. It isn't that I'm unhappy with my lot in life, in fact, I have a great deal of things I am thankful for. I have a great job, a great life, and I am overall happy. But, life is change... and my priorities and what I want out of life is slowly evolving to something more than it used to be. So, I'm going back to school. And not even an easy major... I'm going to take everything I am good at and finally apply it to my life. Why? Change.

It is time to change... it is time to evolve... it is time to move forward. Because I'm not a kid anymore, I'm not a school girl who is easily moved from one thing to the next. It is time to change. And hopefully, just maybe, out of the end of it... I'll be a butterfly. Or at least a pretty moth... either way... I'm choosing my fight.

Growing Up

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise” ~ Alden Nowlan

 There are a million things a person can say about the simplicities of life but the resent struggle for me has been acknowledging the fact that I have to forgive myself for changing. We would all like to think the moment we start making choices for ourselves, deciding what our interests are or aren't, that we would magically just be who we will always be. Like *poof* a magic fairy just twaps you on the head with her wand, "You are who you are meant to be." 


The fact is, that people are much like time, every flowing and ever changing. We move forward like the stream and, most of the time without realizing it, are changing right along with the currents. Maybe it is the choices we have made that guide us; perhaps it is the people that we choose to surround ourselves with that help us evolve into something more or at least different.


I have changed. I never thought for a moment that getting married changes a person, I think you should be able to be who you were without the marriage when you walk into it, no one should have to ask another person to change for something like that. You should know right from the words "I do" what cards your partner is holding, and hopefully it's a damn good hand. 


For me, marriage changed a lot. Granted, it was a conscious choice I made, I knew I was making it when I did it. But because of that choice -- I have noticed a lot changing in myself. Sure, it could be because I got married and suddenly became a Mother of 3 overnight. It could be because a hurled head long into a situation I knew was going to be difficult. Or perhaps, it was because when faced with the choice I took a good hard look at the two roads laid out before me, and I picked the one that I knew I could be proud of myself for making down the line. 


And so, I threw myself into this whirlwind of a life, and here I am, changed. Keep in mind, I hardly think this change is bad. Rather, I think it is just simply fact. A recent event triggered the realization that I had out-grown things that were once just... there. Kind of like when you realize you still have that t-shirt from high school that you never wear, you don't even like, is busted up and well loved... but it's still sitting in your drawer. Why is it even there? It's not your style anymore, not that it was ever actually in style in the first place. Why not let it go? Well... now that triggers the memories of why you kept the shirt in the first place. Maybe it was your first concert, maybe it was your first kiss, maybe it was the shirt that you and your BFF at the time bought matching! Well... now it's the memories, isn't it? But is it enough? 


My answer, profoundly, was no. No, it wasn't enough. Because when you have things in your life you have to make room for, like when I cleaned out my entire closet when Frank and I got married, because I needed to make a significant room for his things, because it was no longer "his and mine". I found I needed to clean out my heart and my life... for things of positivity and true growth to grow. Because I'm not who I was back then, and I certainly am not who I was a year ago. 


As I look at the rest of my life though, I now question if there is more that I should be "de-cluttering". Have I changed out of necessity or want? Does that mean I am no longer who I once was? Does it mean I never really knew myself? Is it because I'm now 26-years old with 3 kids, a husband, a dog, and and aunt who lives with us? Or does it simply mean I have evolved? 


Only time will tell... but I think, maybe for a moment, I saw a flash of my future self. And I'm not upset at that, not at all. I am simply an adult moving past the idea of what once was, accepting the change that is in place, and acknowledging that it opens doors for the future. I am who I am and who I will always be. I just have to see it.