Carpe Diem

"Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." ~ Audrey Hepburn

It seems like a very strange subject matter -- and one that is very over played, I must say. But recently I have gotten back in touch with an old friend, someone I probably should have never lost touch with in the first place, and it has had me reflecting on the past; and what that past means for my future.
I won't say that I hold any regrets -- regrets imply that you didn't learn anything from the mistakes you've made; I've honestly learned a lot. But I do wish that I would have kept some of the more positive people in my life. In truth, I was in a bad place for a period of time... I cut everyone out. Those people who loved me the most included, especially the ones that were a positive influence, I didn't want them to see the bad things I was doing. I think, though, had I not cut those positive people (and I have about a 10-20 people list I can go from), I might have not struggled quite as badly.
It's funny, because I went to lunch with my grandmother today -- and she said something to me that reminded me of this: "The moment you told me what you were going to do and why, I never doubted you. I had wished you had an easier path, but I knew the second you spoke from your heart, you were okay with the harder one." I don't wish for an easier path, I am happy to live my life, and I'm even happier that I've survived the trials and tribulations that I have. But, I wish I would have had the right influences in my life... the people who could have honestly picked me up while I was at my very lowest, maybe --- just maybe -- I hadn't gotten so low.
But, as from previous posts, my life lately has been about cleaning out the baggage. Man, have I found a lot of baggage. I mean, honestly? There has been so much negativity and honest to goodness bad things I've kept around just because I didn't want to feel like I didn't have friends, I didn't want to feel like I was alone when times got hard. It wasn't until it was blunt in my face that I figured out -- if that was the way things were going to be, I was better off without.
This is what it comes down to -- you cut out the things you honestly know are bad for you: that friend that when you tell them you got a job offer mentions that it probably has horrible benefits; that person you go to for comfort that ends up telling you your husband is an arse, when truly you love them and they know it; that person that makes a point of sucking the happiness out of every conversation. 
Lately, I've had some good quality conversations with people who actually give a damn about people. Yes... I said it... they care about people! Not caring about what people can do for them, but rather that they care about people.
What does this have to do with Carpe Diem? Good question. Seize the day. How does that relate to what I'm talking about? The reason I bring up the people from the past is this -- when the chance came to reform those bonds I could clearly see I messed up in the past -- I took it. I took the chance to feel honest friendship again. Perhaps I'm a little bruised and damaged from the previous experiences. But, it's there. I'm going to start setting myself up for being lifted up, rather than dragged down. I'm not worried about tomorrow -- will this person be in my life forever? Will our kids grow up to be best friends? (Honestly, I fully expect my son to beat up everyone's kids... so no... I don't. He's big... he's gonna throw his weight around, I have a bat, everything will be fine. :D Oh gosh... I'm going to get reported for that. I can feel it in my toes.) But what I care about right now is that I am living today to the most I can... because today is what matters, tomorrow is not a guaranty. 
Tomorrow I go on vacation -- I'm glad I am. Because I'm going to spend a little time reflecting (while in the company of fantastic friends, by the way) and really critically think on this. I think all the negativity needs to go... and that may mean some life changes that go beyond hitting the gym.