The Calm During the Storm

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares." ~ Henri Nouwen

It has been no secret to say that my life as a St John has not thus far been an easy one. Over the past 7 months, I have stood beside my husband and faced adversity in a way that most people never get a chance to do. The first few years are the hardest but it is my strong belief that given the year we have had, the rest will be cake. Amongst that, however, have been blessings that few people can ever truly appreciate. 


The first, and probably most important, is true friendship. I'm not talking about he fair-weather friends that call you when everything is hunky dory, or rather when they need something from you. In the past months, we've lost fair-weather friends and we've gained life-long ones. It's amazing how you can simply click, finding a sync that goes beyond just the average day to day. I think that these friendships and relationships that have been fostered will prove to be the most valuable and rewarding ones going forward. With people like these beside us, we will be able to weather the storms no matter the strength.


I've also learned that truth and honesty get you much further than sugarcoating and fear. When you go through what we have been, you are bound to step on toes. It's almost as if the system we've been a part of is designed for you to alienate someone despite your desire not to. In that, it has become absolutely clear to me when you stop letting your emotions get the best of you -- you stop hurting other people's feelings. And those who do get upset, well... they would have gotten upset either way. Telling someone the fact verse the sugar-coated truth leaves much more room for movement forward, rather then getting caught up in the past or present. You have to move forward... it's the whole point.


It has become the most rewarding part of my journey thus far to know that I have been here for my husband and my family. I've decided there will likely never be another moment that will define myself as a woman, mother, wife, daughter, grand-daughter than the moment I decided to stand beside him instead of on the back burner. I have never felt more confident in anything else I have done, I know that in my actions I have done good, despite what others might think. It has been rewarding to know that my husband turns to me when he needs support; and in return I have learned to turn more to him when I am in need as well. It is a feeling I cannot explain, those who have never had that will not understand what it is really like to be a partner. A real partner... not just the type ready to leave when the waters get cloudy.


And finally, most importantly, I have learned to trust my instincts. If the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when you're getting ready to go into that alley, just walk away. When it feels wrong, it's likely wrong... but, on the flip side; if it feels right, it probably is. I am a mother and a step-mother, and I've grown to understand there isn't a single different. If my son needs my hug and support, I'm going to give it. If my step-sons need my hugs and support, they're going to get it. I will be whatever they need to be, because instinct dictates to me that it is right. It's right that I be their friend, that I remind them how much their father loves them, that I remind them how much they are loved by not only their father but by me as well. If it feels right... I will give it all my heart. If it feels wrong, I will fight for them. I will fight for all of my family to my dying breath, because wrong is wrong. If they're being pushed, if they're being beaten... I will stand there for them and not only teach them how to pick themselves up (with a helping hand, of course) but also how to stand for themselves. I will do what is right and what my instincts tell me, because I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a grand daughter, a woman.


I have grown... and I am so thankful.