Change

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."~ Anatole France

It seems like this is a recent topic in my life, like somewhere in the lapse of time there has been a switch clicked that tells me I must move forward, not looking behind. In some (rare) cases, it's not too troublesome, but I find in others it becomes harder, as if tearing that safety net away makes it hard to even breath. This isn't like the t-shirt... no... this one is entirely different, this one is like removing a tattoo.

It comes from knowing that in order to move somewhere in life you have to surround yourself with positivity that in other circumstances might be impossible to find. It's difficult, extremely to say the least, to find a place where you can both be yourself and who you will be. Too often it seems as if those things or people stay the same, they keep dragging you down, instead of lifting you up.

But... there are changes I want to make, big changes, life changes -- huge events that are the centerfold to where my life will be in 10, 20, 30 years from now. If you opened your life open like a brochure to show your future self, what would be listed? Would their be a list of pros and cons for the choices you made? Would it have averages of how many times you fell down, picked yourself up against how many times you were able to gracefully move through the motions? 

This is me choosing grace, because grace is all I know. I don't know how to do anything but move forward -- my therapist called it "steam rolling" through issues, I can't say that she's incorrect. But, hasn't this worked before? Sure, it absolutely has. But, isn't it time to change? I guess it is also time to pick my battles -- this is one I choose not to fight. Because if I'm the only one fighting for the common goal, what is the point? There is no war to win, there simply is. I don't want it... but then again... change is absolute.

So instead, I'll work on the fights that get me somewhere. The fight with my self esteem, the fight with my weight (and ultimately my health), and the fight to improve my life.

I suppose this is where the idea came into my head... I'm going back to school. It isn't that I'm unhappy with my lot in life, in fact, I have a great deal of things I am thankful for. I have a great job, a great life, and I am overall happy. But, life is change... and my priorities and what I want out of life is slowly evolving to something more than it used to be. So, I'm going back to school. And not even an easy major... I'm going to take everything I am good at and finally apply it to my life. Why? Change.

It is time to change... it is time to evolve... it is time to move forward. Because I'm not a kid anymore, I'm not a school girl who is easily moved from one thing to the next. It is time to change. And hopefully, just maybe, out of the end of it... I'll be a butterfly. Or at least a pretty moth... either way... I'm choosing my fight.