And So it Comes

"It is not so much for it's beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit." ~Robert Louis Stevenson

As the year 2013 slowly fades out of existence, I look back onto the hours, days, weeks, and months that have gone by. I have taken a look back and considered what it means to look forward. Over the next few weeks, people will set resolutions or goals for themselves and look at it as a means to finding a new path. Is that not what the New Year is about? Surely, we can make every moment count rather than wait until the passing of another turn around the sun.

The last few years I have set goals and resolutions that have been entirely about cleaning up my life. Be it cleaning out the closet of my "old shirts" or separating myself from old pains, I have been trying to cleanse my life for this sense of peace I've been longing for. I have been slowing down to take in the moments, the blessings, the honor of being gifted with the life I have, even with the tribulations and trials which comes with it.

I don't know why this year is any different, but I don't feel the need to set a resolution for myself. I have goals, of course, but nothing so significant it needs a declaration of the year. I want to find my happy. Not the "oh, this chocolate makes me happy" but a place where peace and warmth find me and hold me close. But that isn't something you can set into a resolution. I'm not looking to set a goal of I will lose "___ pounds this year". It seems silly, it never worked before, why not just aim to have a happier and healthier life? 

I think instead I will simply aim to find my way through the next year, find myself within the labels and hats I wear and find a place that is simply: Kim. It seems like a noble and lofty goal, to find oneself amongst all the hussle-bussel that is our lives anymore. But... here are some of those things I hope to do to find that place within myself again:

• Take up hiking
• Take up running
• Take the boys out to catch frogs
• Take the boys to where I grew up
• Teach the boys how to climb trees
• Smile more
• Laugh even more
• Hug more
• Cry more
• Read in the woods (I used to do this all the time)
• Picnic
• Eat Healthier
• Save Money
• Take Trips
• Become one with nature
• Start painting again
• Start writing again
• Sleep more
• Simply enjoy the simplicity of life

It is funny, all of these things, and more, I still find solace in the earth under my feet -- so why don't I walk without my shoes more often? I used to find peace within the quiet rustle of trees, the warmth of the sunlight, and the feel of the breeze -- where did that go? I used laugh without restraint, love without walls, and embrace without fear -- what happened? Somewhere along the line I lost Kim. And perhaps none of those things will still be part of me, perhaps I've let go of childish things, moved forward and grown. But we will find out.

And so it comes, the new year, the new chances, the people trying to change to a new face. I encourage and welcome the new year, not because I want to find a new me... I just want to find me. It doesn't seem a hard task, a simple and easy one, if nothing else. It's time to lift the veil and to move forward. It's time to find Kim again.

Be Brave

Words are the most interesting things in the World -- they can wound, they can heal, they can be spoken and be fault, unspoken and still be truth. The can be felt within the heart, even if they are never uttered, leaving them forever forsaken to the world.

I have always wondered if there were words that I wish I could give to others, or perhaps others could give to me. If I were braver, perhaps I would say a great deal more. Maybe I would tell that friend how I really felt about their choices they're making, maybe they would do the same. Maybe I could save someone a life of feeling as if they were lost. 

So, here are a few words for those who might need them... I won't say who they are to, simply that they are. 

It is better to love and lose that love than to never love at all. It is true, as cliche as it feels, you really have to feel it deep down to your toes. 

I love you, truly, madly, deeply... but that doesn't mean I have to be selfish, and neither do you.

The only one who can hold you back is you, no one else has that power over you, trust me... I gave the power to someone else and looking back, I did that all by myself.

I was the best thing that walked in your life, I was also the best thing that walked out.

You're a liar, a cheat, and a wreck. Fix yourself because you wrecked yourself.

Don't give up, keep your heart open, no matter how many times it hurts. That heart is the gateway to your soul, it is part of who you are, and it is beautiful.

You bring violence out in me, and not the kind which is at all sexy.

You made me a better person, even if it meant you went away. That's okay. I still thank you for walking through my life, you helped me become the amazing woman I am today. I love your memory, just not you anymore. And I'm thankful for that too.

Stop living your life chained, you're holding back for what? He's not worth it.

I understand you're unhappy, I get that you're in pain. It doesn't mean you have to inflict pain on others. Try healing someone else instead, maybe you can heal your own pain too.

You are worth it. You are worth the fairy tale, the white horse, the knight riding out for you. Anyone who says you're not, isn't worth your time.

I'd love to know what you're thinking... but it scares me it wouldn't be what I hoped it was, so I don't ask. 

Give yourself entirely or don't give yourself at all. No one can do anything with half their heart and it be worth a damn.

Love isn't bad. Your judgement is.

Jaded isn't sexy, I don't care what the songs make it out to be. Try to smile instead.

Just because you don't agree doesn't mean that person has to agree with you because of it. Remember, their thoughts and feelings count for something too.

Not every man is an asshole, you're just looking in all the wrong places.

You won't find happiness at the bottom of the bottle, but you might find it by throwing the bottle away.

No one is irreplaceable, not you, not I. But you can be priceless, if you aren't so focused on them replacing you if you don't stop trying so hard.

You can't turn a whore into a house wife.... you can't turn stupid into brilliance... and you can't turn lust into love.

You're prettier without the fake you hide behind.

People come, people go, and you will stand alone. That's okay. Embrace it and move on.

Someone else can't fix you, you have to do that yourself. That's too much pressure to put onto someone else, they'll fail every time. Pull up your big "boy/girl" pants and do it your damn self. Stop waiting on someone else to pick up the pieces.

We all give a piece of ourselves to those we love, that's the reason we feel so inclined to their memories. That's not destiny, it's human nature.

I'll always be here for you, even if you don't want me to be. I love you enough to understand.

You are perfect. I don't give a shit what they have to say about it.

I love you now, I love you forever, I love you always.

 Not all of these words were meant for one particular person, not all of them were meant for anyone in particular. But, I wanted to put them out into space simply to say they exist, even if you don't know it. They are there, somewhere, instead of each of us. 

Be brave.

 

 

It's not only children who grow...

"It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself." ~Joyce Maynard

It came to me the other day, as I was frustrated from work and life in general: any grown adult will tell you there comes a time when the pressure of work, bills, and life in general just becomes overwhelming and impossible to cope with. For the thousandth time, Kaiden threw a ball across the room into the wall. I snapped. I yelled. It was in that moment, when he covered his ears and looked up at me I realized one thing -- I needed to change.

We all lose ourselves in the every day, it is easy to do. But in that moment, I saw myself through my son's eyes, unhappy, grumbling, yelling because of the game he was playing. What was I doing? Who and what was I so damn unhappy about? I cried. It wasn't in that moment, I hugged him, asked him to go play outside then went in my room for an adult time out. I sat, I held my head in my hands and cried.

I have always known I was meant to be a mother. It is the one thing in the world I know I was meant to do, why? Because I have a heart which is endless with love. I am forgiving, kind, and understanding -- I am logical and process oriented. All of these things are both good and bad things about myself, but my heart is big enough for a whole army.

I don't want it to seem that I hate my children, because I don't. In fact, they're the reason I work to the bone, I press myself so hard to succeed. I want to give them all the things in life which I didn't have. But with that, you add such a huge amount of pressure on your shoulders. How can you possibly find enough hours in the day to do all of it?

I've decided it is my outlook on the situation, not really the situation. I've made myself a promise, I'm done yelling, I'm done being angry with nothing, I'm done letting my work follow me home, I'm done not enjoying the smiles, laughter and love of my children. I came home yesterday, started cleaning the house, handed the two oldest boys a trash bag -- gave them a chore. I allowed them to do it themselves, no hovering, just to be themselves as they picked up odds and ends, put away clothes, helped me clean the house. Jordin was so flipping proud of himself for vacuuming the house. We packed backpacks, lunches, and got clothes out for camp the next day. We went to bed at a decent time.

Don't misunderstand, I was still so ready for bedtime when it came, but it wasn't this overwhelming feeling of the impossible ticking clock, the rat race to the end of the day. I deal with the rat race enough during the day, I need to slow it down and focus differently on everything that happens at home. Maybe if I listened more, so would my kids; maybe if my mind was in the right place, it wouldn't feel like I was being beat up all the time. 

I'm also going to start taking some time out for me. I'm going to start heading back to the gym, start doing things by myself for a bit -- even if it is taking a walk. In the same consideration, I'm going to start doing more things with the boys. I'm going to take them on walks, to the library, to the park, and out to ice cream. I'm going to joke, laugh, and live life. If I am really so about change, it's time to change this too.

Waking Dreamer

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”~ Mark Twain

 Since I was in the fourth grade, there was a dream I had. It came out of no where, a writing assignment from Mrs. Porter's class. I found myself lost and immersed in words I had not realized I could even write. It wasn't any figment of my imagination I couldn't spell worth a dang. But, I started to see scenes unfold in my mind and put them to writing. 

At some point, I gave up on the dream. A couple years out of high school, working two jobs, going to college, keeping up with my story didn't seem like a priority anymore. I set the notebooks aside, eventually they started collecting dust, eventually so did my dream.

Recently I have started to look back and wonder, why did I really stop? Why not write again? It was an outlet for all my frustrations and emotions. It was a way to get out of myself and put a piece of me on paper in a way other people could also see the way my mind worked things out, how it melted all into one. So, I've decided to write again. 

I'm not in this delusional world where I think everything will suddenly fall into place. But I honestly think it will help me regain a piece of myself I lost somewhere along the way. I have been all about positivity and moving forward, yet maybe this is a piece I need to look back on. I think it is time to look at old dreams and see if I can make new ones out of them. 

So now... I'll get writing. I hope I have the courage to stay with it this time.

Of Heart and Logic

"It doesn't matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions." ~ Jim Rohn

 I came into 2013 with this strange understanding that it would be a year to remember. I suppose one could say every year is a year to remember -- but I knew equally so this one would be above what came before it.

Let me be clear, 2012 wasn't a horrible year. It was filled with a lot of hard points, that much is true, but overall it wasn't bad. On the flip side, it wasn't really fantastic either. I will probably describe 2012 as the year that just went by... I suppose that's sad.

I don't foresee the same thing with 2013. So much has already happened... so much hat is taking my logical thinking and putting it into a matter of heart, rather than of the mind.

January 7, 2013 -- Kaiden started his first day of school. It was a painful and gratifying point in my life so far. To see this child, the little one you had brought home not much more than 3 years prior take those big steps up the bus and be so happy, so proud of himself. It was a good hurt. The kind where you're glad you pulled off the band aid. Logically, I always knew he would be fine, my little independent Kaiden, with all his smiles and all his love could be nothing more than more than I had ever expected. Bitter sweet was my parting from his classroom, he didn't even notice me leave. Overall, I'm so proud. He's my baby boy, he's more like me day by day -- I see it in his eyes when he gets stubborn about something, I see it in the light of adventure of his face when he sneaks off when you're not paying attention. That's my son.... he's growing up. I wouldn't say I miss the days when he was little and tiny, I think each stage is amazing and equally as important. But I will say this... the pride in his face is something I hope I see again and again through his life.

That same day, I went and saw the doctor about my Endometriosis. It probably wasn't best choice I've ever made in retrospect -- put my kid on the bus, go to his school, then head to the doctor to discuss my reproductive future. I knew it was going to be an interesting conversation as soon as we sat down. My pain isn't going away as we had hoped. The choices become slim at this point -- none of them mean I'll have years to wait for Frank and I to add to our family. I couldn't help but feel the clock has finally come to its last spin -- this is it.

In 2013, I will undergo the "helpful" surgery for the last time. In 2013, I will have to decide, with Frank, if we will try to get pregnant again. If the answer is no... 2014 will mean it all will leave. This is where the heart comes in...

I've been lucky, my mom was 23, my aunt was about the same age when both of them had to have they're hysterectomies. I am lucky. I've made it 5 years longer than they did and with more advanced technology hopefully it'll be easier on my body than it was for them as well. I'm blessed to have a great support group and people who will be here to lean on. I'm even more blessed to have a husband who understands and is willing to see it through with me -- even though the darkness may close in on me for a bit. I am blessed, logically -- I know this.

My heart aches. It aches for the fact I want another child, even if I don't want one right now. I wanted to wait a couple more years, get things situated a little bit better -- go back to school, get a different degree, get a better job, buy a house, do it all right. That's no longer on the table. Instead, there's a timer... and when it goes ding... that's that. And I can't help but feel my heart ache for the fact it is even there.

It's hard to explain -- people smile and say "but you have 3 beautiful boys!" then pat me on the back and tell me it'll all work out fine. While, that is true, there is the part of me that wanted one more kid that's with Frank. Another child to watch our genetics grow and change, another baby to possibly get to experience a normal pregnancy with, another chance to hold a part of me in my arms. I wanted a daughter. I wanted to be able to dress her up, watch her do dance, or cheer, or anything she wanted. I wanted a little girl whom I could take to get her nails done, her hair done, dress in pretty dresses and play princess with. 

I can see her in my mind, big beautiful eyes, dark hair, curly like mine but with Frank's coloring. I can see her first prom... see the thrill on her face on her first date... the fatherly rage in Frank's voice the first time she cries about a boy. 

That's what my heart wants. 2013 will be the year we make a choice. Dreams are such a fragile thing, and I'm sure I will get a new dream, something different to toss myself headlong into if it's not another round of motherhood trials and tribulations. But 2013 will be an amazing year... dreams will be confirmed or reformed, I will be in awe of life throughout, there's no doubt. Simply because my heart is involved than my logic.