Growing Up

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise” ~ Alden Nowlan

 There are a million things a person can say about the simplicities of life but the resent struggle for me has been acknowledging the fact that I have to forgive myself for changing. We would all like to think the moment we start making choices for ourselves, deciding what our interests are or aren't, that we would magically just be who we will always be. Like *poof* a magic fairy just twaps you on the head with her wand, "You are who you are meant to be." 


The fact is, that people are much like time, every flowing and ever changing. We move forward like the stream and, most of the time without realizing it, are changing right along with the currents. Maybe it is the choices we have made that guide us; perhaps it is the people that we choose to surround ourselves with that help us evolve into something more or at least different.


I have changed. I never thought for a moment that getting married changes a person, I think you should be able to be who you were without the marriage when you walk into it, no one should have to ask another person to change for something like that. You should know right from the words "I do" what cards your partner is holding, and hopefully it's a damn good hand. 


For me, marriage changed a lot. Granted, it was a conscious choice I made, I knew I was making it when I did it. But because of that choice -- I have noticed a lot changing in myself. Sure, it could be because I got married and suddenly became a Mother of 3 overnight. It could be because a hurled head long into a situation I knew was going to be difficult. Or perhaps, it was because when faced with the choice I took a good hard look at the two roads laid out before me, and I picked the one that I knew I could be proud of myself for making down the line. 


And so, I threw myself into this whirlwind of a life, and here I am, changed. Keep in mind, I hardly think this change is bad. Rather, I think it is just simply fact. A recent event triggered the realization that I had out-grown things that were once just... there. Kind of like when you realize you still have that t-shirt from high school that you never wear, you don't even like, is busted up and well loved... but it's still sitting in your drawer. Why is it even there? It's not your style anymore, not that it was ever actually in style in the first place. Why not let it go? Well... now that triggers the memories of why you kept the shirt in the first place. Maybe it was your first concert, maybe it was your first kiss, maybe it was the shirt that you and your BFF at the time bought matching! Well... now it's the memories, isn't it? But is it enough? 


My answer, profoundly, was no. No, it wasn't enough. Because when you have things in your life you have to make room for, like when I cleaned out my entire closet when Frank and I got married, because I needed to make a significant room for his things, because it was no longer "his and mine". I found I needed to clean out my heart and my life... for things of positivity and true growth to grow. Because I'm not who I was back then, and I certainly am not who I was a year ago. 


As I look at the rest of my life though, I now question if there is more that I should be "de-cluttering". Have I changed out of necessity or want? Does that mean I am no longer who I once was? Does it mean I never really knew myself? Is it because I'm now 26-years old with 3 kids, a husband, a dog, and and aunt who lives with us? Or does it simply mean I have evolved? 


Only time will tell... but I think, maybe for a moment, I saw a flash of my future self. And I'm not upset at that, not at all. I am simply an adult moving past the idea of what once was, accepting the change that is in place, and acknowledging that it opens doors for the future. I am who I am and who I will always be. I just have to see it.