“And I told him, I said: "One day you're going to miss the subway because it's not going to come. One of these days, it's going to break down and it's not going to come around and everyone else will just wait for the next one or will take the bus, or walk, or run to the next station: they will go on with their lives. And you're not going to be able to go on with your life! You'll be standing there, in the subway station, staring at the tube. Why? Because you think that everything has to happen perfectly and on time and when you think it's going to happen! Well guess what! That's not how things happen! And you'll be the only one who's not going to be able to go on with life, just because your subway broke down. So you know what, you've got to let go, you've got to know that things don't happen the way you think they're going to happen, but that's okay, because there's always the bus, there's always the next station...you can always take a cab.” ~ C. JoyBell C.If I could pick a theme for my life over the past year, this is it: change. I know someone is going to say, "But Kim, things change all the time." And you would be entirely correct they do. However, most people don't encounter so many life changes in such a short period of time. One or two, maybe. An entire year of them? Not very common.
The quote above is fantastic... because it describes my current situation in a way that is perfection. There has been a situation in my life which has caused me to feel this exact way -- I feel like I could shout this into a room and let everything come off my shoulders and allow someone to understand exactly what they're doing. I know this will never happen though, my entire life has been a series of events, like a chain reaction, in which I can accurately show people really do expect everything to go just so and are oblivious to the fact it doesn't.
So... to help me scream my quote, here we go -- Here is my letter which I will never send, which they will never read. If you decide to read it, I want you to stop and think about the relationships that you are in, how you react to situations, how you truly love.
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Dear __________:
I want to start out by telling you I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul; I have loved you forever and I will love you always. I know you look around you and think no one cares or that no one loves you like you deserve; but know I do. I love you with unconditional love that sometimes puts my own self at odds with it. I love you irrationally, because you are by far the most important person in my life.
But, the truth is... it's not about if I love you. In fact, I am positive it is about if you love me. I wonder so often if you are proud of me, if you care about the life I live, if you look at me and see I live my life by a code of honor and love every single person I can. Are you proud of me? Because if you are, I don't see it. I don't see the love and I don't see the pride.
Truth is, I deserve you to be proud of me. Gloriously proud, in fact. As I look back on the trail of life I can see you make little appearances throughout. Some of them good, some of them bad, but appearances that have shaped me regardless into the woman I am today.
Don't you see what your actions are doing to our relationship? It has become unbearably unhealthy for us to even be within talking distance. But you don't see, you only see what you want to see. You see my son's dirty face, not the fact that I am teaching him to love nature and the world with open arms. You see me be stern with him and think I am too harsh, not the fact that I refuse to let my son behave in a way which means he will learn to love himself more than anything else. You look at my house and roll your eyes, not seeing the fact it is filled with love, life, and laughter that no other place holds a candle to (at least not in my life.) You change the subject when I tell you I want to do something, big or small: my dreams are uneventful to you.
It breaks my heart, not for me... but for you. Because every comment, every snide remark, every time I hear about you whispering to someone else -- you push me away. You don't just push me away, you push away the happy life you could have with me. You chase away another one of my dreams without even realizing it. You kill my happy.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect, I never will be. But I am the perfect me. I have my flaws, I have my uniqueness, I've made my share of mistakes, and none of things will ever change. I'm not blaming you so much as blaming your actions. I don't see a glow of pride in your eyes, the warmth of love in your words, and most of all -- I don't see the happiness radiating from your soul.
It seems shocking, but here is the truth: I think you hate me. I think you look at me and see something in your past you wish you would have changed. I think you look at me and you see so much of your past, your mistakes, your own flaws that you hate me for those same things. I don't think you know how to let go.
You have to let go. You have to let go of all the things that out of your control, let go of the idea of perfection and embrace the idea of life. Stop being so upset about nothing. Don't sweat the small stuff, and honestly, everything really is small stuff. If you can't let go, you'll be sure to self-destruct all you should be proud of.
And you should be proud of yourself. I'm sure you think you need this or that, you should be here or there -- but you should be proud of what you have accomplished just as much as you should be proud of me. Even more so! Why? Because I am a product of all of your life choices come into fold, I am a product of you. A glorious rendition of the song of your life -- you should be proud, so so proud.
I love you, but I'm going to have to walk away. I love and respect you, but I love and respect myself just as much. I'm done allowing myself to tense when I know what your reaction will be, I'm done putting myself through hell because you cannot see past the ideal of perfection, I'm done letting myself hurt because you are hurting. But I do love you unconditionally -- and I will always be here when times get tough, at least once our relationship is healthy again.
It's because I love you that I let go, because that relationship could destroy us both, and I won't let the pattern live on. It will stop with me, no matter what I have to do.
Loving you always,
K
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As we inch closer to the end of the year, I realize that with the change has come a fantastic growth which has made every single moment worth it. I'm not afraid of what will come, but I do hope that next year will take a little sympathy on me, but somehow I doubt it.
I suppose that's another blog for another day....
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