Inspiration

"The difference between Try and Triumph is a little Umph." ~ Marvin Phillips

Lately I have been getting a lot of "you're an inspiration" speeches from people who have noticed that I am taking on my weight with a vengeance. It inspired me to decided to throw a little bit of this into my blog. So today... it's simply talking about why I'm doing what I'm doing and why my goals are what they are. Tomorrow... I will put up my first "pre-weight loss" photo for me to cringe about. I'm at the gym burning it... no reason I shouldn't face it face to face.

First of all -- I'm not losing weight to be skinny. I don't give a rats arse about being skinny. You can take your tall lanky model body type and toss it out the window... I could not care less about being skinny. Phew, now that we got that covered -- let's talk about why I am doing this.


1. I am currently at a BMI of 37.3 -- > Yeah.... damn.
2. I want to live a long life.
3. I want to walk into any store I deem fit and simply take what I want off the shelves without worrying about if they have my size or style in my size or if the people will laugh at me... or try to put me in a dress with my absolutely horrible legs.
4. I don't want more health problems. 


Those are four very good reasons to get off the couch and onto a treadmill (eventually the road... give me time, dammit!). I am currently at 238 lbs.. yes... I do weigh that much... no I'm not imagining it, and dammit... I don't care if I don't look it. Look at the number... the number DOES mean something when you are 26 years old, 5' 8", and are over 90 lbs above your healthy weight. Mind you... I said healthy weight. I don't care about what size my pants are... my risk for diabetes and a heart attack are major. My healthy weight (discussed with my doctor previously) is 155-165lbs. Ouch... that's a lot of weight.


So I'm setting goals... here they are:


<3 I will to be down 45 lbs by the end of September
<3 I will be down to my healthy weight range by my birthday (Feb 2nd)
<3 I will run at least a 5k next summer
<3 I will not be afraid to put on a swimsuit
<3 I will not beat myself up in the process
<3 I will make healthy choices without giving up life
<3 I will make myself proud
<3 I will set a good example for my children
<3 I will not be afraid anymore


There you have it. I have lost a little weight since I started... I am using MyFitnessPal to keep an eye on my calories and making sure I am getting all my nutrients in. Sometimes it yells at me because I didn't eat what it says was enough calories, but I figure if I'm full and I'm not losing out on something, I'm probably fine. I am making healthy choices at work and at home. I am drinking little to no soda and am drinking almost always only water/tea. I am going to the gym 2-3 days of the week and being active 4-5 days. 


I am trying to following this workout program, so far it really work for me and I like it. I'm following a diet that a friend of mine gave me that he and his wife had a good amount of success with. So far, it hasn't been bad... I've just been letting stress and excuses get to me. That's something I have to change right away. 


My own personal success this week: Monday I wanted to just go home and lay down, I was stressed, frustrated, the day had gotten to me and I wanted to give up. Instead... I went to the gym. I was on the treadmill warming up, started feeling better and then got the idea in my head: "If I leave here looking pretty, I didn't push hard enough." I pushed hard. By the time I was done on the elliptical and moving to the stationary bike, I was disgusting. But... it was good, I sweat out all the anger and frustration in me. It made me firmly believe that they aren't lying when they say to just go work out. It does actually make you feel better.


I'm heading to the gym tonight with my husband and brother-in-law... it will be a good night. I'm not exactly up to par... but it's not going to matter, it's time to push through and get through this. I will not continue to make excuses and I will not allow my fear hold me back anymore.

The Pursuit of Happiness

"It was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing that Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the 'pursuit' in there, like no one can actually have happiness. We can only pursue it." ~ Christopher Gardner (The Pursuit of Happyness 2006)

I find it a bit alarming how unhappy the general population of people are these days. They are unhappy with themselves, with their life, with their children, with their jobs, with their cars. Everything has to be bigger, better stronger, but nothing is ever good enough. Or at least, not for any length of time. Why is it that we have become so overly anxious with never simply being happy in the now?


I know people who are people who should be proud of themselves, they have face adversity (or do everyday), they have accomplished numerous things, but when you talk to them, they are just angry. Why are you angry? What on this whole wide world could possible have you so update and so spiteful? I understand that you may not be in the place you had thought of when you were 15, but who is? I hardly imagined I'd be a mother (or step-mother) to three boys and a black lab. Why are you so angry? You have food in your stomach, a good life, and you're surrounded by people who love you. Take solace in the fact that you are loved and you love others, that is, in fact, enough. 


Depression falls in the same line with this -- why are you so damn sad? Is there absolutely nothing in this life that makes you feel as if it is going right? I see so much potential for happiness, but you only see the dark grey that the world has to offer. Just like above, you have food in your stomach, you have a roof over your head, and you have your health. So you don't have your dream job? Okay.... so? Least you have a job. You don't have the car you want. Um... so? You're still able to get where you need to go. Just because things aren't bright and shiny doesn't mean you have to be Eeyore about it! "Oh bother.... my tail fell off again." Come on! The sun is warm, the grass is green, and dammit you're alive to enjoy it!


Now... it is fine to feel unhappy or unfulfilled in life, to feel sad because something sad happened! I'm not saying that it's not okay to feel these things, feelings are feelings and NO ONE has permission to take your feelings from you. What I'm saying is that if you feel these things 24/7/365.... there's something wrong. I don't know if it's your attitude, I don't know if you're life is really that crazy.... but something is off keel. 


My life is complicated. I am a mother (or step-mother) of three boys, ages 5, 3, 2... I have a husband, my aunt lives with us, and I work full time. My life is full of ups, downs, upside-downs, inside outs, dirty clothes, dirty mouths, and .... dirty underwear. I have a high-stress job in a high-stress environment. Did I fail to mention I have a high-stress personality? But let me tell you something... I am not unhappy nor sad. Why? Because of all the same things I already listed, don't you get it?! Because I am a mother of 3 boys with a husband and an aunt who lives in the home. I am happy because I'm surrounded by love and life. I am surrounded by life. Who could possibly unhappy or sad? Granted.. times get rough and a point comes where you're exhausted and want to scream! (...3 boys... under 10... you'd scream too.) But if anyone were to take that away from me, I would fight tooth and nail for it... because I love my life.


What about you? Would you fight tooth and nail for those things that you're angry/sad about? Really, for just a second stop and look at your life. Was it where you wanted to be? Hell no! We all wanted to be rock stars rubbing elbows with Brad & Angelina! Do you see the difference? I am not even the same person I was when I was 15! Let's see.... Fifteen years old... I was so self-involved with my parents divorce and my mom's issues that I wasn't concentrating on school or anything else. I wanted to be a Vet... granted, I still love animals... but I could seriously not deal with someone's dog trying to bite me. Point is... life is life. You don't have to love it... but for all that's good and happy.. don't hate it. You're alive... you have all the opportunities in the world to change the boat you're in if you don't like it. Jump off and swim! Chase whatever makes you happy... if you don't... you have no one to blame for that choice than yourself.

The Calm During the Storm

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares." ~ Henri Nouwen

It has been no secret to say that my life as a St John has not thus far been an easy one. Over the past 7 months, I have stood beside my husband and faced adversity in a way that most people never get a chance to do. The first few years are the hardest but it is my strong belief that given the year we have had, the rest will be cake. Amongst that, however, have been blessings that few people can ever truly appreciate. 


The first, and probably most important, is true friendship. I'm not talking about he fair-weather friends that call you when everything is hunky dory, or rather when they need something from you. In the past months, we've lost fair-weather friends and we've gained life-long ones. It's amazing how you can simply click, finding a sync that goes beyond just the average day to day. I think that these friendships and relationships that have been fostered will prove to be the most valuable and rewarding ones going forward. With people like these beside us, we will be able to weather the storms no matter the strength.


I've also learned that truth and honesty get you much further than sugarcoating and fear. When you go through what we have been, you are bound to step on toes. It's almost as if the system we've been a part of is designed for you to alienate someone despite your desire not to. In that, it has become absolutely clear to me when you stop letting your emotions get the best of you -- you stop hurting other people's feelings. And those who do get upset, well... they would have gotten upset either way. Telling someone the fact verse the sugar-coated truth leaves much more room for movement forward, rather then getting caught up in the past or present. You have to move forward... it's the whole point.


It has become the most rewarding part of my journey thus far to know that I have been here for my husband and my family. I've decided there will likely never be another moment that will define myself as a woman, mother, wife, daughter, grand-daughter than the moment I decided to stand beside him instead of on the back burner. I have never felt more confident in anything else I have done, I know that in my actions I have done good, despite what others might think. It has been rewarding to know that my husband turns to me when he needs support; and in return I have learned to turn more to him when I am in need as well. It is a feeling I cannot explain, those who have never had that will not understand what it is really like to be a partner. A real partner... not just the type ready to leave when the waters get cloudy.


And finally, most importantly, I have learned to trust my instincts. If the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when you're getting ready to go into that alley, just walk away. When it feels wrong, it's likely wrong... but, on the flip side; if it feels right, it probably is. I am a mother and a step-mother, and I've grown to understand there isn't a single different. If my son needs my hug and support, I'm going to give it. If my step-sons need my hugs and support, they're going to get it. I will be whatever they need to be, because instinct dictates to me that it is right. It's right that I be their friend, that I remind them how much their father loves them, that I remind them how much they are loved by not only their father but by me as well. If it feels right... I will give it all my heart. If it feels wrong, I will fight for them. I will fight for all of my family to my dying breath, because wrong is wrong. If they're being pushed, if they're being beaten... I will stand there for them and not only teach them how to pick themselves up (with a helping hand, of course) but also how to stand for themselves. I will do what is right and what my instincts tell me, because I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a grand daughter, a woman.


I have grown... and I am so thankful.