Of Heart and Logic

"It doesn't matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions." ~ Jim Rohn

 I came into 2013 with this strange understanding that it would be a year to remember. I suppose one could say every year is a year to remember -- but I knew equally so this one would be above what came before it.

Let me be clear, 2012 wasn't a horrible year. It was filled with a lot of hard points, that much is true, but overall it wasn't bad. On the flip side, it wasn't really fantastic either. I will probably describe 2012 as the year that just went by... I suppose that's sad.

I don't foresee the same thing with 2013. So much has already happened... so much hat is taking my logical thinking and putting it into a matter of heart, rather than of the mind.

January 7, 2013 -- Kaiden started his first day of school. It was a painful and gratifying point in my life so far. To see this child, the little one you had brought home not much more than 3 years prior take those big steps up the bus and be so happy, so proud of himself. It was a good hurt. The kind where you're glad you pulled off the band aid. Logically, I always knew he would be fine, my little independent Kaiden, with all his smiles and all his love could be nothing more than more than I had ever expected. Bitter sweet was my parting from his classroom, he didn't even notice me leave. Overall, I'm so proud. He's my baby boy, he's more like me day by day -- I see it in his eyes when he gets stubborn about something, I see it in the light of adventure of his face when he sneaks off when you're not paying attention. That's my son.... he's growing up. I wouldn't say I miss the days when he was little and tiny, I think each stage is amazing and equally as important. But I will say this... the pride in his face is something I hope I see again and again through his life.

That same day, I went and saw the doctor about my Endometriosis. It probably wasn't best choice I've ever made in retrospect -- put my kid on the bus, go to his school, then head to the doctor to discuss my reproductive future. I knew it was going to be an interesting conversation as soon as we sat down. My pain isn't going away as we had hoped. The choices become slim at this point -- none of them mean I'll have years to wait for Frank and I to add to our family. I couldn't help but feel the clock has finally come to its last spin -- this is it.

In 2013, I will undergo the "helpful" surgery for the last time. In 2013, I will have to decide, with Frank, if we will try to get pregnant again. If the answer is no... 2014 will mean it all will leave. This is where the heart comes in...

I've been lucky, my mom was 23, my aunt was about the same age when both of them had to have they're hysterectomies. I am lucky. I've made it 5 years longer than they did and with more advanced technology hopefully it'll be easier on my body than it was for them as well. I'm blessed to have a great support group and people who will be here to lean on. I'm even more blessed to have a husband who understands and is willing to see it through with me -- even though the darkness may close in on me for a bit. I am blessed, logically -- I know this.

My heart aches. It aches for the fact I want another child, even if I don't want one right now. I wanted to wait a couple more years, get things situated a little bit better -- go back to school, get a different degree, get a better job, buy a house, do it all right. That's no longer on the table. Instead, there's a timer... and when it goes ding... that's that. And I can't help but feel my heart ache for the fact it is even there.

It's hard to explain -- people smile and say "but you have 3 beautiful boys!" then pat me on the back and tell me it'll all work out fine. While, that is true, there is the part of me that wanted one more kid that's with Frank. Another child to watch our genetics grow and change, another baby to possibly get to experience a normal pregnancy with, another chance to hold a part of me in my arms. I wanted a daughter. I wanted to be able to dress her up, watch her do dance, or cheer, or anything she wanted. I wanted a little girl whom I could take to get her nails done, her hair done, dress in pretty dresses and play princess with. 

I can see her in my mind, big beautiful eyes, dark hair, curly like mine but with Frank's coloring. I can see her first prom... see the thrill on her face on her first date... the fatherly rage in Frank's voice the first time she cries about a boy. 

That's what my heart wants. 2013 will be the year we make a choice. Dreams are such a fragile thing, and I'm sure I will get a new dream, something different to toss myself headlong into if it's not another round of motherhood trials and tribulations. But 2013 will be an amazing year... dreams will be confirmed or reformed, I will be in awe of life throughout, there's no doubt. Simply because my heart is involved than my logic.